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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27878661">at your side, I feel like a ghost</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/eatenpickelsticks/pseuds/eatenpickelsticks'>eatenpickelsticks</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Dream SMP Lyric drabbles [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF, mcyt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Blood and Violence, Hybrid Technoblade, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Platonic Soulmates, Quackity is Haphephobic, Respawn, Soulmarks are activated by touch in this, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Tommy gets so many soulmates, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Video Game Mechanics, and he's kind mad about it, hybrid quackity, kudos to collin, sorta - Freeform, techno is just sad, thats it, thats the fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 09:21:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,059</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27878661</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/eatenpickelsticks/pseuds/eatenpickelsticks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Technoblade wants a soulmate, but he'll never get one.<br/>...<br/>Tommy has too many fucking soulmates, it pisses him off.<br/>...<br/>Quackity doesn't want one, except for the fact that he really does, but it won't change anything.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alexis | Quackity &amp; Dave | Technoblade, No Romantic Relationship(s), TommyInnit &amp; Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Tommyinnit &amp; Karl Jacobs (Video Blogging RPF), Yah Nasties</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Dream SMP Lyric drabbles [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2021692</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>199</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1137</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. why are you running away?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrackFrickFrolick/gifts">FrackFrickFrolick</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Modivian/gifts">Modivian</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The latest chapter is taking me longer than I intended, because of outside reasons, so I decided to post this instead! :D</p><p>And, no shipping besides platonic please, I don't do that, no offense to people that do. I just think it's cringe to ship irl people in any fashion.</p><p>ALSO IF CREATORS ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS TYPE OF WORK I WILL TAKE DOWN &gt;:D</p><p>...</p><p>CW!!:: Self-Harm Briefly stay away if it triggers you!, Children fighting, Children Neglect, Homelessness, Temporary Character Death, Descriptions of Death</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Why do we bother to stay?</strong>
</p>
<p>....</p>
<p>Technoblade was born in the Nether, and he left when he was a child. He had watched the tall creatures enter and go through the portal near where his herd lived.</p>
<p>He wasn't like his herd, and they didn't like him. He wasn't like them. </p>
<p>The tall creatures are called humans, he's learned. </p>
<p>They have their language, unlike the soft grunts and low barks of his species. </p>
<p>He follows them through the portal the next time they leave. </p>
<p>...</p>
<p>
  <em>The new world burns his eyes, and there are many colors and- </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The humans, whose he's only seen in heavy clothing, have colors on them.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Soulmates, they call them. His family doesn't have colors. He doesn't have the skies and flowers on him either. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He thinks they're beautiful. </em>
</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>He listens, and he's smart. He watches the humans, copies them. Watch their young. Technoblade learns their words. </p>
<p>And he learns, learns he can eat berries and certain roots in the forest, but he doesn't talk to them.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>When Technoblade was eight years old, he got killed by a mob of villagers.</p>
<p>He remembers them screaming and their hands beating into his body. They hadn't bothered using weapons, and he even had a torch pressed into his back. He doesn't know exactly why it happens, just that they had done it for sport. He remembers vividly, them cheering as he got knocked to the ground, and they had made a circle around him, caging him. He won't ever be able to forget it. Techno has despised people before, he's a spiteful person, but hate had never crossed his mind. </p>
<p>He didn't realize that people could hate,<em> just for the sake of doing it. </em></p>
<p>It was one of the only times he had ever died, and when he respawned in the cave that Techno was staying in, he sat on the ground for hours. He closed his eyes so hard it hurt, and he couldn't bear to see what scars his death had left on him. </p>
<p>He doesn't understand. Brand new pink scars littering his body, and his back ached. He's never felt so clean and wrong at the same time. </p>
<p>By the time night had come, his thoughts had run rampant. How if it was his fault, what did he do wrong, and how could he fix it? Should he hide his ears? Grind his tusks down, he's tried before it hurts so bad, and then he realized-</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">It was not his fault.</span>
</p>
<p>And it was not going to happen again. </p>
<p>So he grabbed a rock off of the ground and cut deep on his arm, marking his death as his own amongst all the scars on his body. He wasn't going to let them ever touch him again, or anyone else. </p>
<p>...</p>
<p>He spent three years in the woods after that. He watched animals see what they ate, watched what the villagers harvested from a distance. Techno learned how to stalk and clean a deer.</p>
<p>He eats a poisonous mushroom once, and after an agonizing death, it becomes another permanent tally on his arm. He refuses to be stupid with eating food ever again. Having no food makes you realize how valuable it is.</p>
<p>He realized that the villagers he watches aren't good at fighting, which makes more shame fill Techno at the thought of them murdering him.</p>
<p>And then he decides to go to the city.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>The walk there was easier than he thought, and he snuck into wagons until he reached a city.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>There is so much more color in the city.</p>
<p>And, people that look like him, but they're Hybrids. They have colors too, and he hopes-</p>
<p>But he knows, he's from what they call hell, and nothing with a soul comes from there. He wouldn't have a soulmate even if he wanted it.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>So, being on the streets is hard, harder than living in a forest.</p>
<p>For one, there is less food to get, even though there is more food around, and the crowds can get overwhelming very easy.</p>
<p>It's hard to find exits and escapes in busy streets, and sometimes he sticks himself to a wall, but to feel secure. It's the only way to calm down when all he can think about is the people walking down is as threats. Anyone could turn on him, and he's too weak to do anything about it.</p>
<p>But in the end, the best way to get food is to fight for it. Steal it from other homeless people. Technoblade hasn't gone that far yet, but some people host battles for street urchins, like he is now, to fight for food.</p>
<p>It's honestly a very horrible thing, but Technoblade wants to try.</p>
<p>Because the first thing he does when he figures out about them is to watch them. Techno's been here two weeks, all the food he brought is gone, and the last thing he ate was stale bread two days ago.</p>
<p>His first step was a boy with feathers in his hair and wings almost bigger than him. He was scrawny, and he grinned wider than the fat lady down the street, and he was a little fucking thief. He had no colors on him besides his tan skin.</p>
<p>He didn't seem to mind, though.</p>
<p>He saw Technoblade once and offered him half of the loaf of bread the piglin-hybrid watched him steal from a poor Salesman. The thing was, no one had ever offered Techno food before, not even his herd in the Nether.</p>
<p>So when he takes it, a warm feeling rises in his chest that he doesn't recognize. He doesn't want it, it hurts. But he starves for it.</p>
<p>Needless to say he started following the feather boy. He felt drawn to him for some sort of reason and his eyes can find automatically. Almost like they're linked together.</p>
<p>Which was two days ago. The boy gives him the stink eye and tries to lose him, which Techno has been chasing game for years, and this is easy.</p>
<p>The kid talks to him. He doesn't think the kid realizes he can't understand him yet.</p>
<p>The boy starts to say things to him, often saying the same phrases but Techno's grip on the language sucks in general, and he stares at the feathered-hybrid like an idiot.</p>
<p>He grunts and finds it funny when he just puffs his wings.</p>
<p>Eventually, the skinny kid gets tired of it and points down the street.</p>
<p>He says some more things. The only word he understands is food. </p>
<p>Oh, Techno thinks about the jerky he's saved in his bag, the only piece of food he had left and was saving for when he won a fight for the first time. Techno refused to eat it, but if the kid was hungry he could take it.</p>
<p>The kid pushes him towards the opening of an alley, and the winged kid is always careful not to brush skin. His wings flexed as he walked backward. Technoblade cocks his head to the side and follows him. </p>
<p>The kid shakes his head, and did he do something wrong? The kid pushed him away again. </p>
<p>Oh, he wants him to leave him alone. The thought has him panicking for some reason. Technoblade stared confused at the kid, and why did he give him food if he didn't want him to do something? Isn't that why he gave him food?</p>
<p>The kid is just staring at him expectantly, and Technoblade feels shame rise in him. He doesn't understand, but he doesn't want to leave.</p>
<p>This kid let Techno sleep by him last night, and he hasn't threatened him in any way. He doesn't look at Techno with hard eyes. He smiles at him.</p>
<p>He doesn't want to be alone. So when the kid goes to push him again, he whines.</p>
<p>The kid squeaks in return, seeming to panic at the noise Techno makes.</p>
<p>He looks at the kid as he stuffs his face into his own hands as he eyes Techno. The kid turns and walks away sharply, putting a hand up to Technoblade as he tries to follow.</p>
<p>He wants him to stay, and Technoblade lets him go because he could just find him again. Even if it makes him nervous. He doesn't like going to the streets.</p>
<p>He sat in that alleyway for a little while, waiting for the kid that had left him and feeling like an idiot. He wasn't supposed to be doing this, he wasn't supposed to be following someone, but for some reason, he didn't want to leave the winged-boy alone.</p>
<p>When the kid came back, he had a bruise on his face and a bag of apples in his hands.</p>
<p>He brought food, and Techno was starving just looking at it. He grunted when the kid threw the bag of apples at him and motioned towards the opening of the alleyway with an upset look on his face.</p>
<p>Technoblade just blinked, and without a second's thought, pulled out the piece of beef jerky and offered it to him.</p>
<p>The kid just stared at it. Then started screeching, which made Techno tense up because, holy shit, what was he supposed to do?</p>
<p>The kid grabbed a lid from the trash can and bopped him on the head with it, watching him for a reaction. Technoblade had flinched expecting a blow, but it felt like the kid was doing it to just do it and not land a hit that would damage.</p>
<p>The kid stared at him hard.</p>
<p>The kid just threw the lid and waved his hands in front of Techno's face, saying something Techno couldn't understand. The piglin just stared at him.</p>
<p>The kid just huffed and pointed at himself.</p>
<p>
  <em>"Quackity."</em>
</p>
<p>When Technoblade just looked at him in a blank-faced stare, he pointed again.</p>
<p>
  <em>"Quackity."</em>
</p>
<p>Technoblade followed his finger to his chest again. Was he talking about what he wore? Did he want something? Did he want Techno's shirt?<br/>
 <br/>
Technoblade went to take his shirt off and hand it to the other kid, but the winged-hybrid's voice went up to a panicked shrill, sounding like a surprised bird.</p>
<p>He let his shirt fall as he just thrust his arms out, in the universal language of frustration.</p>
<p>The kid started laughing, yellow feathers shaking. Technoblade just huffed as he felt warmth enter him, he's never felt this way before, and it was bringing all the guards he had made go down.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>The kid teaches him how to steal, which he finds himself getting used to the idea of. The kid also teaches him how to speak.</p>
<p>He still doesn't bother to do it. Opting to go for grunts and shakes instead.</p>
<p>He doesn't know why he wants to be by this kid, and it's like he is being pulled to his death. He's never been close to anything or anyone, but just being by Quackity he feels...</p>
<p>Happy, like he's doing something right.</p>
<p>The kid refuses to touch anyone, and he explains that he doesn't want to be marked by the colors. </p>
<p>Technoblade doesn't get it, but he respects it.</p>
<p>He asks Quackity to teach him how to fight instead, and the kid bends over laughing.</p>
<p>"Bro, I can't fight pfttt-"</p>
<p>Techno feels his cheeks flush as his stealing buddy laughs at him, and Technoblade notices how filthy they both were for the first time.</p>
<p>You can't really, take baths on the streets. </p>
<p>He wrinkles his nose, but he doesn't mind. Not even when people give him stink eyes about it.</p>
<p>"Have to know, tiny fight." He says stubbornly, broken English coming out as he squinted.</p>
<p>Quackity stares at him blankly.</p>
<p>"I can help you learn to dodge, will that help?" Techno nods eagerly, then squeals when his friend threw a can at him. Then another, which Techno almost dodged as he scrambled to get up.</p>
<p>His winged friend was laughing as he picked up cans and threw them at him.</p>
<p>Technoblade felt happy, and it became a thing, as random as it was.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>After a few weeks of it, Quackity was judging him harshly. </p>
<p>"Oh my gods, you actually took it seriously." He said as he threw cans that never hit Techno anymore at him.</p>
<p>Techno grunted in answer as he side-stepped a can thrown at his head. </p>
<p>"You are pretty fast, and it's not fair."</p>
<p>"Shut up. Throw cans."</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>Technoblade gets into a fight on accident. He can hear Quackity screaming at him to back up, but he's getting pushed to the back of the crowd as Technoblade is pushed in the middle.</p>
<p>Everything seems to fit together when he gets punched, a fist slamming into his face and pain erupting there. It's not like when the villagers slaughtered him, and it's like stalking a deer.</p>
<p>Everything seems so much easier to see, he can hear his panting as he stands up straight, the pain in his face almost void. He feels power rush through his body, that's the only way to explain it. He strikes before the other kid can, and the kid hits the ground.</p>
<p>Blood drips from his knuckles, and a feral grin hits his face as he kicks the kid in the gut as he tries to get up.</p>
<p>It was so plain and vulgar, it seemed natural. A connection tailored to the violence of human nature, and his hybrid knowledge. He was here, he was fucking alive. He was being challenged.</p>
<p>He could feel the other kid alive too, feel his bones and skin under his hands as he punched the boy again. </p>
<p>It was exhilarating.</p>
<p>... </p>
<p>He won two out of four fights that day. The smile never dropped from his face. He could feel the whole crowd's eyes on him it seemed like. He wasn't a hybrid, he wasn't homeless.</p>
<p>He was a fighter.</p>
<p>And when he saw Quackity and handed him the food he got from winning, he looked nervous. Technoblade forced himself to ignore it.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>"Where the literal shit did you learn to fight like that?"</p>
<p>Technoblade grinned at him, eating an apple with a bandaged hand.</p>
<p>"No idea."</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>That's how they lived. Technoblade sparred with Quackity because he was the only person he trusted to not go too far.</p>
<p>He gave Quackity his earnings, which quickly grew into more valuable things than food, and Quackity would roll his eyes and hand it back to him. Using the money he took to buy them things, like a hotel room to take a shower and sleep in a bed or clothes to where when Techno tore his up.</p>
<p>They never touched, not once. Technoblade found himself to stop caring about it. Even when he ached for it sometimes when Quackity was near him. He just gave Quackity gloves as a present instead of thinking about it.</p>
<p>The gloves that were on his winged friend's hand handed him a carrot, which he released a happy grunt for.</p>
<p>"You are probably my soulmate, Techie. If I think about it."</p>
<p>Technoblade just stared, even though his heart was pounding. Quackity just said shit like sometimes, that made his brain hurt and his heart pound.</p>
<p>He huffed as he turned around, wanting to do nothing more than drag his hand across Quackity's wings, they looked so soft. </p>
<p>"Hey, I'm serious Techno!"</p>
<p>Technoblade just walked as Quackity ran up to meet him. He never touched his friend to find out anyway, the winged boy always flinched and hated physical touch in general.</p>
<p>"Then hold my hand, Q." Quackity just winced. Letting his covered hand brush Techno's clothed back in the mockery of the real thing. Technoblade almost shook at the contact.</p>
<p>It wasn't fair.</p>
<p>"Maybe one day." Quackity said as he stared at his friend. He rose his gloved hands to the piglin hybrids face, the slow moment being intently supervised by Techno.</p>
<p>Quackity was raising his hand and-</p>
<p>Quackity's hands weren't that big, but they seemed so huge. Nudging into the movement with more enthusiasm than he probably should, and he met Quackity halfway, the fabric of his glove smooth but harsh on his skin.</p>
<p>It felt, he didn't know how felt, but it was nice. To be touched outside of a fight.</p>
<p>He couldn't breathe as Quackity let his fingers settle on his face. He leaned into the touch. Technoblade didn't think he could have a soulmate, but he wanted to make the color appear in swirls on Quackity's skin nevertheless. Wanted it so bad it hurt. Wanted to bring up a hand himself and paint Quackity like a canvas, the need to do so deep in his body, and he forced himself to lean away.</p>
<p>"Stop Quackity, it's not fair." He hated how he choked up, and Quackity looked sad when he pulled away.</p>
<p>He didn't say anything as they continued to walk.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. a parasite needs a host</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>tommy has a lot of soulmates</p><p>...</p><p>and techno has none</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: Self-Harm, about as bad as the last chapter.<br/>Self-degradation? is that thing? Techno isn't having a good time rn.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>
Tommy fucking hated it. Hated everything about this soulmate stuff.</p><p>That is a lie, a total lie.</p><p>Tommy adores almost every person he has become soulmates with, but he just wishes it wasn't so... overwhelming.</p><p>Tommy already had five soulmates. He had lived most of his life alone, and when his first soulmate marked his skin in a comfortable green, he didn't know how to react. The mark is smooth waves up his spine, casting down from where his soulmate's hand had brushed the side of his neck. Tommy had leaned into the touch, melting into it. He had felt protected like he had found security he had missed for half of his life.</p><p>He didn't let him go for twenty minutes, or that's how his soulmate told him he reacted, clinging to the person who had marked him. </p><p>He was probably right to be honest, people didn't really touch Tommy with the extent of care as he grew up, he was basically starving for what the stranger gave him for free and contract.</p><p>His soulmate was older than him, and his name was Phil. Who mother-henned him for minutes after it had happened. He was tall, and he had wings. Flipping wings! Tommy thought it was awesome.</p><p>
  <em>So cool.</em>
</p><p>They were soft, so large. Phil had another soulmate. He said he like music, and that he was sensitive. He wondered if he was his soulmate, too.</p><p>Wilbur, who had a sliver of blood-red from Phil's mark on him going down the left side of his face and neck that he could see. Later, he would be told that it went all the way to Wilbur's hipbones, spread out.</p><p>Most soulmates share each other's' soulmates. Sometimes a person would have a soulmate that they didn't share with their other soulmates, but it was rare. Almost completely unheard of, to be exact.</p><p>So it was no surprise that when Wilbur touched Tommy, and he asked for permission before, that Tommy left colors just like he had on Phil's hand and arm. It was just as warm as when Phil had touched him.

</p><p>Tommy's mark on Wilbur was mixes of orange and red where he had grabbed Tommy's hand. Spreading up in wisps up his right arm.</p><p>Wilbur had left shapes on his arms, spots. Which weren't too uncommon, but they were mesmerizing to Tommy. With Phil being like a shield on his back, Wilbur was like his muse. </p><p>They took Tommy with them, and he's never left the village before, never wanted to. No one stops him from leaving either, and with every step he's glad he goes with them. He doesn't really have anyone waiting for him at home, so Phil adopts him as he did for Wilbur.</p><p>He's lived alone all of his life in the orphanage, so it's jarring to have two people who care for him and his being. He flinches when he messes up for the first time, expecting them to hate him because he forgot to roll his sleeping bag up when Phil told him to. Phil just hugs him as he starts crying, his mark feeling warm on his back from the older man's comfort.</p><p>...</p><p>Phil lets Tommy fly with him, and it's the coolest fucking thing he's ever done, he swears.</p><p>Wilbur writes songs, and Tommy listens to them and tries to sing along. He always tells him that they're awesome because they are awesome. Simple logic. Wilbur looks at Tommy and Phil like they hang the stars in the sky.</p><p>...</p><p><br/>
His third soulmate was a guy he didn't see the face of. The guy's elbow hit his face square on, and he can feel the familiar feeling of a soul mark forming. It was almost angry, and it felt so powerful. His nose hurt rather harshly from the impact.</p><p>They stared at each other for a moment. Tommy's eyes then locked on the red that was snaking up the masked man's arm where it wasn't covered.</p><p>"Wait a god damn minute-" Tommy started before the guy heavily dressed turned and wheezed.</p><p>The guy, in his white-masked glory, panicked and bolted. He was less of a recognizable person and more of a green and white blur.</p><p>Tommy felt stupid when Phil found him, face warm with a mark that he couldn't see and staring at the sky. </p><p>He had a headache, and he was angry. How dare the guy ditch him-</p><p>"Oh, that's uh, new Tommy. Do you know who gave it to you?"</p><p>"A fucking prick, that's what."</p><p>The mark was a different shade of green, and Tommy was absolutely livid when he was it covered his whole face, even snaking down his neck to mash with Phil's.</p><p>...</p><p>Phil tries to teach Tommy how to cook, it doesn't end well. Wilbur just smiles at him, and they laugh as they pick up the mess that he had made.</p><p>He's glad that he has Wilbur and Phil, and he can't imagine living without them. </p><p>...</p><p>He screams in frustration when he meets his fourth soulmate, and he's never seen someone have this many, and it makes him panic.</p><p>The person he just bonded with looks terrified, eyes more blue with how wide they are. Tommy feels regretful instantly.</p><p>"Oh fuck, it's not you. You are so cool, oh my fucking god, your soul mark looks cool as hell." Tommy got distracted as he looked at it for the first time. Poking the bright green and purple swirls on his stomach, lifting his shirt as it keeps going.</p><p>The teenager looks like he's dying inside.</p><p>The guy accidentally pushed Tommy with his hand in a village Phil, Wilbur, and Tommy was in, his thumb barely touching a sliver of skin Tommy had exposed to push him back.</p><p>"I uh," The teenager just blushed and put his face in his hands, which his left was solid red from Tommy now.</p><p>"Uh, yeah sorry for screaming. It's not you, don't worry! You are very Pog! <em>Holy shit</em>, you look like you would be friends with Wilbur. You both look alike, you'll see. By the way, I'm Tommy. Very big man. Now follow me."</p><p>The teenager blinked as Tommy dragged him to his family. The teenager pulled his hood over his head and pulled the strings to hide his face as he whined in embarrassment.</p><p>...</p><p>His name was Karl, and he stayed in the village they met him at. He had really nice parents. Tommy has Phil and Wilbur, though, so he's fine.</p><p>He is shy, but Tommy likes him.</p><p>He always tries to hide in his hoodie, but he was awesome. He played with Tommy for hours every time Phil would let him go to the village to visit him in their travels.</p><p>He sent him letters too if he stayed away too long, Karl draws him little pictures all over them.</p><p>Karl isn't Wilbur and Phil's soulmate, but that doesn't stop them from visiting him.</p><p>He met Karl years ago, and even years longer for Phil and Wilbur, so Tommy was sure that he didn't have anymore.</p><p>Karl and Phil and Wilbur were enough for him.</p><p>Then he punched his next soulmate in the face when he first saw him and proved himself wrong.</p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>Technoblade doesn't know why he bothers listening.</p><p>People's marks had various sizes, and there was a legend that was spread about it, a story told to children.</p><p>It wasn't Quackity who told him about it, but he heard it from a dark woman in a tavern full of drunk adults. So much yelling, but he latched onto every word the woman said.</p><p>"<em>There once was a demon, who let himself be corrupted by an angel. Their names have been lost, or they never them. In the land they lived in, touch was forbidden. And even amongst others who were part of the same species. It's why we are careful who we touch, and our souls will never forget what we were born from."</em></p><p>She shifts in her chair, crossing her legs. Her shawl, falling off a shoulder and revealing blue tattoos. Techno couldn't comprehend putting your own colors on your skin.</p><p><em>"This angel had broken this rule. He saw the demon amongst a pool of water, and he felt an indescribable urge to touch him, drag his hands across wings that were not his to touch."</em> She stares at Techno then, and he can't breathe as she continues her words.</p><p>"So he did, and as soon as he did, the demon's body was covered in beautiful markings, ones he could never wash off. The demon wasn't upset at this, and as soon as the angel laid a hand on him, he felt something he had never felt before, the sense of peace."</p><p>She leans toward Techno then, her eyes black, but Techno isn't unnerved by that. He can't escape the words she's saying.</p><p>
  <em>"Demons were born to kill, to destroy. That's all they were made to do, until this demon. Who answered the angel's advance by embracing him completely. The angel's body marked, also. Now he had another reason to exist besides endless violence, now he had the urge to protect."</em>
</p><p>She raises a hand to Techno's face, and Techno flinches away from it. The woman only smiles as her hair falls forward as she leans closer.</p><p><em>"They say that the mark's on each other's bodies covered them entirely. That the impact your soulmate has on you is how big the mark they stain on your skin. They cared so much it took their entire souls. Some people have so many soulmates that their entire bodies are covered, imagine that?"</em> All of a sudden, she leaned back. Her tone fading from whatever trance she had him in, changing tunes so fast his mind was reeling.</p><p>"What happened to the angel and the demon?" He finds himself asking before he can stop it. </p><p>The woman stares at him intensely, almost more than fighters he had fought in the streets.</p><p>"<em>They were separated from each other and killed for their crimes. Some people say that they could feel each other die."</em></p><p>He feels his stomach drop. The lady goes to stand up and almost walks completely away from Techno before she continues. </p><p>
  <em>"Humans were born from their pain, the agony they felt."</em>
</p><p>...</p><p>Technoblade sneaks into the knight encampment to watch them train and spar. He gets a cheap sword and improvises. </p><p>People in the streets know his name. </p><p>Technoblade entered the Championship for the first time when he was thirteen.</p><p>He dies, and later that night, when Quackity can't see, he cuts a mark on his arm amongst the others. Remembering the tattoos the Story Lady had, and finds himself a hypocrite for what he thought about them. It is almost the same, after all.</p><p>He didn't get past the first round, but Quackity had grinned at him nevertheless, high fiving him, careful not to touch skin in the movement. He noticed it like a live wire.</p><p>"We will just fuck them over next time." Technoblade grins jaggedly back.</p><p>There wasn't a reason for him to do the Championship, other than he wanted to be known. He wanted to win something, feel the same way he did when he won a fight, and have a whole crowd cheering for him.</p><p>He was almost addicted to it, the way it felt to <em>win</em>.</p><p>He wanted to be feared, and he wanted to be someone. Some part of him that he ignored told them that maybe if he won, Quackity would crave to touch him as he does, to be his soulmate.</p><p>He doubted it though, the thought made his chest hurt. Quackity had started little touches, never to skin, and he hated that, almost as if he was trying to get used to the idea.</p><p>It drove Techno insane, and he never could tell Quackity no because he knew that it was hard on him to even try in the first place.</p><p>Colors seem so bland now, even though they haven't faded for him. It's so much brighter than where he was born, and he doesn't think he'll ever get over it completely. It's just the jarring fact of how much he sees.</p><p>When Technoblade gets bruises from a fight, he hates to think that maybe that's the only way someone like him would be marked at all. Sometimes he'll dig his fingers into them to make them last longer.</p><p>He stopped when Quackity started getting worried about his bruises that were not healing, tittering at him. Quackity always checked on his injuries, skitting around Technoblade until the piglin hybrid would let him look.</p><p>It's cold when he sleeps. He knows Quackity lies soundly in the bed next to him. He brings a hand to his face, trying to remember the way that Quackity's glove felt on his skin. Digs his claws into his jaw as he curls into a small ball.</p><p>
  <em>He shouldn't want this, he wasn't like everyone anyway. He didn't deserve a soulmate.</em>
</p><p>...</p><p>Quackity whistles at him in the mornings and coos at him randomly during the day. Techno answers with soft grunts. He knows how Quackity sounds when he's upset and when he needs to tell whoever is bothering his friend to back off. He can tell when he's happy without looking at him. The wing-hybrid is always talking, and it's so easy to tell.</p><p>He doesn't have to touch him, and he knows that Quackity is terrified of physical contact. That he's only comfortable with touching Technoblade, and it's still not the way that would do anything.</p><p>Techno tells himself that he's unreasonable and that just being by Quackity should be enough. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So ahahahah, did the way I write this make sense? It's not directly said, but I intend to have a length of time between where the story stopped for Techno and Tommy.</p><p>Like, for example, Tommy is a few years ahead of where Techno's part is, even if it's not apparent.</p><p>Also,</p><p>1. HIIIIIIIII :D THANKS FOR READING LMAO<br/>2. I WAS SAD WHEN I WROTE TECHNO'S PART, CAN YOU TELL?<br/>3. Okay, for real though, I hope you all have a nice day/night!<br/>4. I wasn't happy with this chapter that much, it feels a lot like filler instead of anything else lmao.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. well, you’re only scared of me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>technoblade's heart feels like it's bleeding</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>my sister laughed at the end of this so it's pretty sad.</p>
<p>Cw:</p>
<p>*Self Harm<br/>*Bad Coping Mechanisms<br/>*Fighting<br/>*Mentions of Blood/Gore<br/>*Verbal Fighting<br/>*Child Neglect in a way</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Quackity becomes a singer on the street, but it's a coverup for him doing dumb shit. It really is, and they do so many illegal activities it's not funny.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Quackity was just like that, laughing when people stuttered at him in shock. He jumps over them and steals their wallet or something.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn't know how people become scared of Quackity, he's an idiot.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And Techno was known as his loyal dog, someone who would bite at Quackity's command.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They didn't have to know that Techno never really bothered to listen to Quackity when he tells him to do anything, usually just following along with whatever. If someone fucked with Quackity, they just so happen to fuck with him, too.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Technoblade didn't care, either way, he just learned to read when he wasn't fighting, getting a soft-spoken girl who worked down in the bakery down the street to teach him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her name was Nicki, and he tried her cakes for every reading lesson she gave him. Her nimble fingers building a cake from scratch.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She was one of the only people he could stand talking to for more than five minutes, so that was awesome.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She also braided his hair for him, most of the time, the movements calming and reassuring.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She wasn't his soulmate, and she wasn't afraid to touch him. If he told her one of her cakes was good she would smile wide and pull him into an excited hug, talking his ear off about how she made it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nicki was his friend.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Quackity has something that Techno sucks at doing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span> He can talk to people. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And do it a step further.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It started with Quackity making friends. Friends like Technoblade.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Killers, dealers, shop keepers, brokers, and harlots. Or okay, they weren't like him, but they were dangerous.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was dripping with blackmail, and people feared him for other reasons than they did with Technoblade. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Techno was at least honest if he was going to stab you in the back, even if he meant it literal.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Quackity was everywhere. He never stayed in place, and Techno followed him, cutting anyone in his way. He was everywhere around him, the thing Technoblade sees for most of his life.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Quackity was everything to him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Technoblade fought his fear and pain directly, and Quackity handled it by running away or avoiding it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So it balanced out.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Take this bitch!"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Quackity punches someone in the face, the gloves that Technoblade gave him on his hands, and Techno has a heart attack as he scrambles to wherever the direction of Quackity's yell came from.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It scares Techno how far he would go for Quackity. He accepts it one day, That he would do anything for him, not only because he was kind to him, but because he was Quackity.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That was the easiest explanation he could give himself, maybe he was just a dog trained to fight.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He would die for him, but the thought that horrified him is that Quackity would die for him, too. The thought makes Techno get stronger, push himself more.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It's the nights that they sit in the house they bought, a small one that they fix together every other day, and they sit by the fireplace Techno had spent weeks learning how to make. Carefully building.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He bought with the money that Quackity had guilt-tripped a drug dealer and a big cash prize Techno got from beating the shit out of an idiot. A guy who had messed with the wrong person.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He's fourteen, and Quackity is thirteen, but it seems like they should be older.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Quackity doesn't like being touched, but he hates being cold. When it was chilly he usually was wrapped in blankets or Techno's coat.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They sit there together, Quackity thinking and singing or preening his wings, while Techno reads. It's the small moments, like when the winged hybrid tells him something he will never need to know, or when Techno makes him some hot chocolate and Quackity smiles at him, that means the most to Techno.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Techno keeps one of his feathers, and it's always behind his ear.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nicki is nice to everyone, it's why she probably is friends with him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nobody likes Techno, and Quackity is his friend, but-</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Quackity doesn't really like him, does he? He always flinches when Techno is near him, he can't meet his eyes sometimes.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Quackity doesn't want to be his friend,</span>
  <em>
    <span> that's fine.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Everyone he sees around him is terrified of him. Some people are even disgusted by him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>He's fine with that, he's fine. It doesn't bother him.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Quackity doesn't want to </span>
  <em>
    <span>touch him</span>
  </em>
  <span>, no matter how much he wants to-</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Techno's the problem, he's known that his whole life.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He can feel the monstrosity under his skin, his heart beating in his chest. He wants to claw his own throat out, the days he almost tells Quackity what he wants. Feeling like acid in his body.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It's at a club, the music is too loud to hear. and they are too young to be there.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Someone touches Quackity's face on accident, a brush of fingers on flesh. Everyone knows better than to touch the winged teenager.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He can't breathe as he watches for colors to appear on Quackity's skin, absolutely terrified.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They don't, and he's so relieved it feels like a rush.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then he's horrified, at what he was feeling.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Something ugly grows in Techno then, but then it just, destroys him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn't stop to look at what happens, he's running fast.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was less painful, dying was less painful than this. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He can't breathe.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He wants to touch Quacktity's wings. They look so light, and they almost shine. They've been turning white recently, the yellow feathers appearing less. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He physically stopped himself one day, an arm outstretched to slide between feathers. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Quackity doesn't notice.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It's like there is a constant urge when he's near his friend. That's easier to bury but harder to ignore every day. He hates it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A part of him is dying, slowly, he thinks. Withering down until he feels like his heart is bleeding.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It's driving him insane, Techno feels like he's using his friend someway, imagining the things he does.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He asks Nicki about it, why he feels like this when he doesn't care about anyone else. She looks at him with something similar to pity.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I don't know for sure, but I think unbonded Soulmates can sense each other, have you never really touched him? You both are so close..." Something is burning, below his ribcage, he feels like he going to die if he stays in this room any longer like he's going to suffocate.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Techno doesn't listen, he just walks out, his mind whirling. He feels like he is going to pass out. Then he starts running. Because he should've said nothing at all.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He refuses to believe what she had said and ignores when she calls after him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He's crying by the time he gets to his house, Quackity was off fucking someone over or something he doesn't care </span>
  <em>
    <span>he doesn't care-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It's not fucking fair. </span>
  <em>
    <span>For her to lie to him.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn't want a</span>
  <em>
    <span> soulmate</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he doesn't want </span>
  <em>
    <span>a mark</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he doesn't </span>
  <em>
    <span>want the colors,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he </span>
  <em>
    <span>doesn't want fucking</span>
  </em>
  <span>-</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>he wants quackity.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He remembers what one of the villagers had told him when they killed him and deaths became marks on his arms.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Things like you don't have a soul.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>...</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Technoblade wins the Championship at fifteen, and he rips apart his last opponent. He turns cruel this past year, and the more Quackity looks away from him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>He ignores it, it doesn't fucking bother him. it doesn't. he pretends like quackity ignoring him doesn't make him more isolated. like it isn't tearing him to pieces. it isn't fucking fair. it's a curse, being near him, he can't leave.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But that doesn't matter now, because he is winning, for once in his life he feels worth something.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He's done it, he's fucking done it. When the crowd cheers, his eyes still find feathers that have been turning white from their childish yellow and </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>smiles</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Technoblade oh my god! OH MY GOD, YOU DID IT!" Quackity is yelling at him, jumping around him as he takes the trophy from his hands.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Technoblade feels like he's flying, and he turns when he can hear someone walk in.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nicki runs into him, squealing as she wrapped her arms around him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She's so warm, and he buries his face on the top of her head.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Quackity starts talking louder, barely noticeable but Techno makes sure to smile at him, he knows Quackity gets self-conscious about these types of things.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>it doesn't bother him</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He watches Quackity dance with Nicki in their living room.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Their hands linked together, Quackity's gloved ones meeting the smooth skin.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He watches them move, and he decides then.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If he doesn't leave now, he never will, and the thought is so painful-</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>but he thinks about Quackity doesn't touch him anymore, at all, not even the small touches to his shoulder or careful grasps on arms.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>it's more painful to stay.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm leaving." Technoblade says as he sits by Quackity on the roof.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Are you joking?" Quackity starts as he laughs, turning to him with a smile.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He wanted to say that he was. </span>
  <em>
    <span>he didn't care.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm not." Quackity doesn't look surprised, looks at him hard instead. It's not like it isn't obvious, with how much they have been pulling away from each other recently.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Then leave." Technoblade flinches at the way Quackity's voice turns sour.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I don't want to." He admits, looking at the tops of buildings for blocks around.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Then don't." He feels the horrible feeling that has been growing in his flare.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Quackity just-" </span>
  <em>
    <span>let me leave you.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Technoblade-"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I don't care! I'll kill whoever you want, please just want me. I'll be valuable, I promise. I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry I scare you, I'm sorry I'm not good enough-" He stopped when he heard a sob, he looked up, and-</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Quackity was crying.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"You don't think I, Tech. You know how disgusted I am every day, that I can't touch you, and I can see it </span>
  <em>
    <span>destroying you.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Because I'm too much of a fucking pussy.</span>
  <em>
    <span>" </span>
  </em>
  <span>Quackity was so loud, his wings flaring around him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"</span>
  </em>
  <span>I can fucking feel it, you know, sometimes I can't think with how much I want to braid your hair or have you touch my wings. You are the only person I want to touch, and I'm too fucked to even-</span>
  <em>
    <span>" </span>
  </em>
  <span>Quackity throws his hands in the air.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He steps forward, and Techno steps back, he can feel his eyes watering as he listens to his friend scream.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Just touch me then, TOUCH ME," Quackity says as he grabs Techno's wrist pulling it to his face.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Technoblade can feel the world slowing, and he remembers what the lady said about the angel.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So overwhelmed to be near a demon it defied all moral, all reason. How, it had never wanted anything in its life except to be by the demon's side.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He stops Quackity, and it's the hardest thing he's ever done in his life. Every inch away from finally touching him more painful than getting stabbed. He pulls his arm away, and he hates to see a flash of relief in Quackity's eyes, but then the despair in it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Techno, I'm so sorry-"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"You don't want to." He hates how utterly broken he sounds. How, it feels like his lungs are about to collapse on themselves. It's not Quackity's fault, he could never blame him. He cares too much.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"No, I'm sorry, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please don't leave me</span>
  </em>
  <span>," Quackity said, Techno could see him curling in on himself his wings seemed to be reaching for Techno.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Technoblade always knew that he was going to be alone since the first time he carved death into his arm.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Techno-"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Techno was gone before he heard the rest.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was so easy to get contracts on people's heads.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They knew his name, the killers of the underground, the mercenaries.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Winning the Championship got him that much.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They didn't care about how old he was, and when he was hunting someone down and fighting, he was thinking about white wings in his mind.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He knows the letters are from Quackity.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He knows how many connections his friend has.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Finds letters wrote to him, and he knows instantly who they are from.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn't read them, puts them in the bottom of his bag.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He gets two more marks on his arm, suffocation and fall damage, and four more letters, and a total of five months go by when he first reads them. The first few were short.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>One: </span>
  <em>
    <span>'i miss you'</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Two: </span>
  <em>
    <span>'Nicki misses you, too' </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Three:</span>
  <em>
    <span> 'i didn't think i could live without you, until now. i am better with you. i can sense you, feel what direction you're in, it drives me crazy that i can't just fly to you like always. you know what i said when we were kids.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>tech, if i have a soulmate, it would be you. i think i've always known that even if you were more aware of it.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>i'm sorry i hurt you. i won't ask you to come back.'</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Four: '</span>
  <em>
    <span>i'll wait for you, whatever you decide.' </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Technoblade doesn't read the last one, and he takes two more contracts from the local broker than he should.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Lets the blood wash the pain away, and if someone sees him crying later, standing over bodies and facing in a direction he can feel the only person he's cared about in, he would just kill them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He's minding his own business, walking through the woods, itching to kill someone as always.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strike>
    <span>He misses quackity.</span>
  </strike>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He misses him. Misses him to the point he wants to go back, to smothering pain, but it would be better than not having Quackity near him at all.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It's with that thought he turns, in the middle of nowhere when someone just runs out of a bush, surprising him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And punches him in the face. Technoblade just sits there feeling his face burn and he knows, looks at the boy whose hand is turning pink and already had shapes on it. He knows-</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Technoblade feels like he's missing something, but the world is fading away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It's like Technoblade can feel himself changing, and he has no idea what's happening and he's never been more aware of a person other than- </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The kid looked shocked, and this is the most peaceful Techno's ever felt in his life. He finds his body relax, and then he remembers-</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>wings, hot chocolate, smiles, loneliness, food, singing, feathers, pain, cake, screaming</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn't have soulmates, he doesn't have </span>
  <em>
    <span>soulmates, he can't live with it, can't live with this weight.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And he swings his sword down on the person who just marked his face.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>man i got really fucking sad when i wrote this but i stopped myself, ya'll are so welcome</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. well, i never asked for this, i never wanted this</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>quackity is melting away, he thinks.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW// guns, death/gore, underage drinking, almost suicidal thinking, vivage imagery.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> Quackity was born on the streets, his mother was someone he hadn’t met, and his father almost didn’t exist. His earliest memory was burning alive, someone covering his mouth and punching him an alley. His body is frozen, he can’t move as he’s pushed around by someone who is only five years older than him.</p><p>It hurts, why does it hurt? It is not fair, his mind can not compute it. When the kid is done beating the shit out of him, he leaves him there. So he guesses that it is natural, he breathes the violence and for years associates it to touch until it seems to become a part of him. Melding in his bones and melting into his brain and it sits there, festering. Until the idea of it becomes a part of him.</p><p>People don’t want to touch him, and he’s almost relieved, but he imagines, what it had felt like to receive a hug and not the glancing touches of people who didn’t care about him. Soulmates fascinate him, he wants colors to cover him. He realizes it later, when he watches people avoid touch with other people like him, that they don’t want a soulmate from <em> his kind.  </em></p><p>Maybe he is dramatic, but he learns that no one wants a soulmate that is <em> filthy. </em>Quackity learns that he doesn’t owe anybody shit.A boy who was raised as a thief and no one but himself with nothing except the cruel reality of a street rat, then he raised himself with a killer. It’s ironic, that Technoblade is the person who wants to be his soulmate.</p><p>It was like this, a bird-hybrid with wings that looked like they were molting when they weren’t, dirty and filthy, and a piglin-hybrid who looked at them like they were gold. It wasn’t fair for someone to look at him in confusion when given food, he wasn’t supposed to feel sympathy, that would get you killed. Attachment can appear in the cruelest forms, including between two orphans on the streets. He wasn't supposed to be attached.</p><p>But he did, and he grew with his decision. He gets his connections, he gets information and hoards it like he is starving for it. Becomes so influential that his words can be spread far and wide like a plague.</p><p>Grew up to watch his best friend become a killer. It’s ironic, the way Techno tears someone’s jaw apart and compares it to the way he dodges touching Quackity like he’s a disease. Quackity does the same thing, but it still strikes him then. Quackity has a problem with touching anyone, Technoblade just meets his gaze and hides away. It’s just a thing he does to Quackity, yeah Techno doesn’t like being touched, but it doesn't adverse him. It seems like it is an oxymoron, to want to drag his skin across his in an almost taboo way, marking someone seems so fucking wrong sometimes, and stuck also between repelled by him.</p><p>There are times he can see it though, when Techno doesn’t avoid him. He leans into Quackity’s covered touch like it would kill him if he didn’t. Like a starved man, so it hits him then, that maybe <em> Quackity is the one wrong here. </em> </p><p>So he decides then, he’s tired of watching Technoblade slowly chip away, when he sees him smiling as he won the Championship. So he stares down, and he vows to swallow his discomfort, his hatred for touch. He dances with Niki with gloved hands, and it feels like he’s improving, even when his hands burn for hours and he feels like throwing up for even longer.</p><p>And he thinks he has this, that he gots this in the bag. He can swallow the poison that seems to be born when skin brushes him.</p><p>Then Techno speaks words on a roof, and he tells Quackity that he is <em> leaving. </em>Quackity is so just, angry at first, because he was going to try, and he could not find a way to tell the other boy that. Not when Technoblade had screamed back at him like he has never done before, and he can tell it is bottled up, that he can’t stand to be by Quackity.</p><p>"No, I'm sorry,  <em> please don't leave me </em>," And he means it, he wants Techno to touch him, if it would make him stay. But he isn’t enough, he has never been. It’s so scary he wants to die there on that roof.</p><p>Technoblade leaves him, in the end. So he sat on that roof, thinking that Technoblade might come back, so he would not have to stay alone in his house and be suffocated by the silence that lay there without him like a haze. Maybe he was lying to himself, Quackity was in denial about a lot of things. He was shaking, swallowing guilt until it consumed the inner lining of his chest.</p><p>And he doesn’t come back.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>…</b>
</p><p> </p><p>He writes Technoblade letters, ignores the stares he gets and people who ask him where his loyal dog is. Technoblade was never that to him, not even as a piglin-hybrid, seen as someone not human.  Being less than human had nothing to do if you were a hybrid. </p><p>It starts soft, a pull towards the left or behind him. Then it became a full out yank sometimes, not physically, just in his mind, he would dare to say his soul. And almost like instinct, his mind supplies him with <em> Technoblade. </em>He is going mental, he swears, literally going crazy more than he already was. People can’t feel other people, yet there it was, and he sits there with fingers buried in pockets and wonder if Techno feels it as well, then he stamps the idea down, because it is fucking impossible.</p><p>Yet, it’s like a truth he won’t believe, as soon as he thinks it’s true his mind buries him in the fact that it can’t happen. Yet sometimes the grip of it is pulling so hard, it tires him out emotionally and he feels like he is missing something, that he almost throws up. He curls into a ball and feels so sick he wants to die.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Three Years later, outskirts of the Capitol</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Quackity brings out the gun and points it at the person squirming in front of him. Metal swings in the air and it is heavy in his hand.</p><p>“Come on <em> cabrón, </em>do you really wanna die for stealing someone’s dog?” He nosed the metal under the person’s jaw, seeing them shake. Fear is such a powerful thing, and Quackity has gotten used to people seeming to be afraid of him for something he has, not who he is. But he feels it well worth it, with how his words slip through the streets like poison until it stains the ground and stains it.</p><p>“You know, we can sit here all day, and the more you waste my time,” Quackity makes sure to smile as he pushes the person’s head with his weapon, a trembling body under the motion. “The more I will make it hurt, do you understand? Does that go through your stupid ass head?” Somewhere in his brain, he wonders if it is wrong, to be so impassive to the pain of others, the uncomfort someone is feeling. You see something so much it becomes trained out of you.</p><p>He just rolls his eyes and shoots instead of thinking too hard about it. The gun going off and the noise so loud the person under him cringes, letting out a sob as a hole appears where the bullet shot through the wall. </p><p>Guns are hard to get here, few people have them, and they are banned in this kingdom. Not that it was anything to Quackity, who could probably get access to most anything he wanted without hassle. They aren’t mass produced either, and kept on a huge lockdown to not spread it around common people to the point you wouldn’t have control.</p><p>Quackity gets high off it, the power of being in control, to be the one to make someone cringe instead of the opposite. He doesn’t enjoy killing, never could, it’s not who he is in the core of his being. But he thinks he kind of gets it, what Techno feels like in a fight. The thought of the tall piglin-hybrid makes his mood instantly sour.</p><p>“Feeling a little more talkative yet?”</p><p> </p><p>…</p><p> </p><p>The first time Quackity kills someone, it wasn’t exactly intentional, more instinctive and horrifying, there is nothing romantic about death, especially when someone doesn’t respawn.</p><p>Quackity's chest heaves, and he brings the knife down and flinches at the blood that spurts and gets all over him, listening to the squelch and scream of the person under him and he whirls away from the body and watches it crumble and die. Blood spurts in the air as his vision blurs and he freezes.</p><p>Then he's dropping the knife and screaming, frantically wiping the blood off his hands and sobbing, he can't stand it. How can people fight like this every day, enjoy it? <em> Pink hair flying around as someone cuts someone's hand off, smiling madly, Quackity can’t breathe again- </em></p><p>It's not the killing, it's the blood, it's the man's hands still on him, just touching his neck. It's still fucking there, and his wings flap wildly as he hits the wall to his back, like a whole fool.</p><p>He feels branded, and he's panicking, he's overreacting, something deep tells him that it wasn't anything. It doesn't change the fact he feels like he's dying, drowning. He needs to leave, needs to get out and away from the person in case they respawn.</p><p>But it’s even worse, to look down and see the person not respawning, and it hits him then, <em> that he just perma-killed someone. </em></p><p>Is this what it feels to get a soulmate, he thinks hysterically, then he's scratching at his skin to try and see if a mark was left there. It kills a part of him, to think he got a mark and his eyes are too blurry to see and he feels disgusting. It would be funny if he had killed his soul mate, honestly. Ironicness is the key to humanity.</p><p>He just ends up curling into himself, it's too much, he wants to just fade away. God, he hates himself, hates this shit, fucking spirals.</p><p>He just pukes all over the disgusting floor in the alley way instead.</p><p> </p><p>…</p><p> </p><p>He threads his fingers through his wings again, repeating the motion in an orderly fashion. He’s done this many times before, it’s ritual. Spreading the natural oil he produces accrosses his feathers and smooths them out soundly, this activity is calming to him. It is to every avian he’s ever met.</p><p>They also tell him how nice it is to just <em> be preened </em>, and god the thought is almost aesthetic, pretty to see and hear. Quackity tries to think of the touch as something nice, so he can ignore the urge he has to cringe at the thought. Touch isn’t something that sounds pleasant, but the idea of preening sounds so nice, it’s easy to fall in love with it. It doesn’t burn him</p><p>He thinks of letting Niki preen his wings, she would be so gentle, ask the questions, voice as soft as her hands, making sure how he feels is calm the whole time. She would be scared to pull loose feathers in fear of hurting him. Would rub his back and forehead. It sounds nice, it sounds...</p><p>How would Techno do it, he wonders. He shakes his head but it doesn’t stop the idea of something warm letting him lean against it, breathing, he would be able to feel it, yeah? Techno was so warm under his hands, even through gloves. Techno would trust him to touch him, and <em> Quackity can’t, he couldn’t </em>. Techno would be so gentle and soft, careful, like how he was always careful to not push Quackity, to not touch him.</p><p>It eats his pit of a stomach, where his constant disgust lies there. Where his heart had sank and molded over, decomposing on that day on the roof.</p><p>The thought is so stupid, so dumb. People go through their whole lives without touching others, but now he is just empty with something that was at least partly filled when Techno was here. It’s, he cares, he cares to wonder if Techno ate today, if he would get injured and die and then not respawn, or if he would get stuck somewhere and <em> need Quackity </em>-</p><p>But, Techno didn’t need him, that’s the whole reason he left. So he could go his whole life without knowing what <em> he </em> feels like under his hands, maybe this is Quackity’s curse to bear, for being so stupid to not being able to handle it. For watching Technoblade die at being by him, god he is just that bad he guesses, and maybe he is spiteful, but he’s more sad if anything.</p><p>Because the longer he had known the quiet thoughtful kid, the more he felt the pull to him, the more it made him sick. Wanting something that could trigger your fight or flight sense at the mere thought was horrible.</p><p>So that's why when he thinks about Techno preening his wings, he cries. </p><p> </p><p>…</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Nimble fingers work a long, metal spoon. The type that touches the lips of people who could afford such items of luxury. Not a scratch on them, they were probably polished. He bites the metal, dragging his tongue across the curve as he licks the banana pudding off. The hardness of it clicks against his teeth, is unmovable, a tool. He hums to cover up the irritation as his headache spikes, encouraged by the loud music of the club. </p><p>He had to meet someone here.</p><p>Eyes bore on his face, and he lets his eyes rake up to smile at a tall woman who looked like heaven in this hell hole.</p><p>“I don’t respect how people are scared of you, but I can see how.” She says, sliding on his chair and getting almost unbearingly close. It makes his anxiety spike and smile drop. Her legs are long, and if Quackity was interested in this kind of activity he would say attractive.</p><p>“What do you want that to mean?” The long body beside him leaned forward, hand pushing the hair back that had fallen off her shoulder. Soft lights cast down on her, he can’t help but wonder what she would look like without the dull lights casted on her. She’s enchanting like this, grabbing a drink and taking a sip, but she would look better in the sun.</p><p>“You don’t care about anyone, do you?”</p><p>He doesn’t answer, he pulls out the paper of the transaction of illegal potions he wanted to smuggle through the clubs instead.</p><p>She watches the papers silently, lighting up every few seconds to the flashing lights. Her skin is blank, that he can see at least, her dress is slipped to the side, and shows the smoothness of her leg when she crosses them.</p><p>Hands freeze as he slides over to her, mimicking the way she sat down as he takes the glass from her, gloved hands sliding across her bare ones. He takes a sip of the drink while he looks to the side, slowly dragging his eyes across dark material as he meets her gaze. It’s carefully crafted, dark circles painted with a blue tint from lights.</p><p>“People like you always take stuff from me, but only because you have nothing.” She sits up taller when she says  this, and she finally looks like she owns this place. A loud laugh fills the air behind them.</p><p>“You don’t own shit Gold, people like you can’t.” The man says behind them, and he sees the resentment bloom in her eyes. It makes him laugh when he gets grabbed by the throat and thrown into a desk, the woman rising up as her horns and tail grow larger.</p><p>“Say that again bitch,” And the club isn’t empty, and people cheer as a demon beats the shit out of a man that didn’t matter at all and probably never would. And it is loud, too fucking loud, he wants to gouge his eyes out. His hands itch to draw something, or stab himself, in a morbid thought. This wasn’t worth it, being here. He could have made this deal when the club wasn't exploding with activity.</p><p>The alcohol tasted like shit, he didn’t recognize it, but he swallowed it anyway, wanting to sink in the cushion and fade away with the flashing lights. The man in front of him is screaming as he gets wrecked, it is funny somewhat. He remembers when he got squeamish around Technoblade's battles in the arena. Those days seemed so far away now. He can handle just about anything now.</p><p>“Aren’t you too young to be drinking that.” Quackity’s head rolled to this side and he cusses in spanish, there stood Eret the fucking prick in front of him. He looked gorgeous, amazing even, and he could barely hear him over the pounding in his head and the screaming of the people around him.</p><p>Someone goes to bump into Eret and the man doesn’t even bother to look as he pushes them back fluidly, staring hard as they back and eye Quackity, who just glares back. God, he fucking hates this place. His mouth tastes like shitty alcohol and regret.</p><p>“Get the hell out of here Quackity, you don’t belong here.” Fuck Eret, for acting like he was some fucking child, someone to fucking control like his little puppets across the bar. Like he was something to fix and god, the poison that boils in Quackity constantly is what makes him grab his cloak and stumble for a moment. He jerks away from the hand that is reaching to him, painted nails pull back instantly when Eret realizes.</p><p>“I got your deal with Gold, go visit Niki later okay? I will tell her if I see you drinking that shit again.”</p><p> </p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>He bakes with Niki, barely. It’s an event that has turned sour after so many arguments about Quackity’s mental health, like his lack of appetite and the nights he spends learning to draw things so his mind wouldn’t destroy  itself. Waking up in nightmares of the pull in his chest, because even if it is fake it gives him the false narrative that Technoblade was okay. As long as he believed that it was somehow connected to Technoblade, it would be okay. </p><p>She doesn’t understand. How it feels to be burned alive by the brush of skin and terrified of people, and to be drowned out by the pool in his chest, trying to make him follow a path in the distance, and he stretches his wings in her kitchen. Just like how she stretches the dough.</p><p>“How are you Quackity.” It is not said like a question, Niki already knows the answer. Knows it in the way he snaps at a customer, how his wings are pulled up, and his shoulders tense.</p><p>“I want to die.” He says jokingly, the words obviously meant to come off amusing to fall flat to the woman in front of him. The atmosphere just melts like the icinging off of the cookie he just grabbed. Wonders if he would ever be able to have a conversation that didn’t feel like poison.</p><p>“Have you heard from him?” As soon as he thinks he has escaped it, he never could,  Technoblade is brought up again. The man had become one of the most fearsome people in the land, cutting down whoever he wished left and right. His name dripped of trembling lips of people in the underground.</p><p>This question was also a ritual of theirs. To which Quackity would not always reply the same way, but always have the same answer. No, he did not respond to him. He hasn’t tried to make contact with him ever since he left the city. The question grated on him, the result never changed but it was always asked.  </p><p>“Do you need help?” And the words settle between them, and Niki raises her face with critical eyes and doesn’t spare him bullshit.</p><p>“When was the last time you slept?” Quackity lets his head role, hands twitch as he grabs another cookie. He can’t deal with Niki’s questions, not today. This fucking dance they play that does not do shit. The feelings just build him and he knows, he is alive, breathing in and out, and still dealing with this bullshit.</p><p>“Just, not today.” Not with Techno stalking his ming and taking over and the pull in chest so evident he wants to throw up.</p><p>“You say that every time Quackity.”</p><p>He bites into the cookie instead of answering.</p><p>… </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i uh, sorry for taking FOREVER TO UPDATE LMFAOOOO, my bad ueuueeueue</p><p>MAKE SURE TO DRINK WATER MWAHH, and to vibe and eat a snack and BE AWESOME DUDUD, anyway feel free to commit so i can eat your soul/j</p><p> </p><p>lol ignore this:</p><p>stat STAT  LMFAOOO</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Comments are appreciated, and lmao I can't wait to get to the part of this stories that is just constand cuddles.;lasasj</p></blockquote></div></div>
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